I didn't get it. No, I am not joking. I got the call and was informed that "the role had been filled by an internal candidate... But thank you for your interest." Paaaah!!!
The call was brief, polite, yet short, snappy. No need to waste time talking to someone who wasn't a suitable candidate.
I was gutted when I hung up the phone.
Gutted!
Then angry.
How dare they? How dare they put me through this, invite me for interview, take me down the route of "maybe they'll like me, if I have gotten this far, there is a good chance..." - and then it turns out that for them, they were just going through the motions! I was one of their quota, one of those that had to be interviewed to get a credible number of possible candidates... only to rule them all out and go with the one option they had identified they wanted all along...
HEY, PEOPLE, THIS IS MY LIFE YOU ARE PLAYING WITH!!! M Y L I F E !!!
But anger very quickly turned to self-doubt.
Maybe I just wasn't good enough. Maybe "filled internally" is the new way of saying: "Sorry, but you're crap."
Or "Your experience really isn't up to scratch, there are younger, more funky, technologically advanced, more up to date young-uns out there that could do your job for half the cost... (and they're probably far prettier, too!)"
Maybe I should look at another career, maybe my time as PA has come and gone...
And I try to shake off the gnawing self-doubt and turn it into self-belief. Amy, look at what you have achieved! Look at how far you have come! You had a great career. You gave it up. On purpose. To look after the girls, be there for them. You have two beautiful children. You have a loving husband, who is pretty great, if you ignore any DIY or tile-choosing prowesses. You have a lovely house. You have a cat who is almost not neurotic. Well, maybe just a little bit. You are creative, funny, and hey, did I mention you are writing a great blog? OK, so the last bit is made up. How do I know if it's great? Though, then again, it is nice to see the diverse countries my blog is currently being read in. Maybe I should start a new career. As a blog-doctor.
But back to my job. Or lack of. I was in tears when I rang John. I blubbed and sniffed and cried and shouted and whispered. And wailed. And all within a minute and a half. And then:
"Who is this? Mum, is that you?"
When he finally realised it was me he was great (he was only joking of course, he knew the minute he saw our home number come up!). I know, I can go ultra-sonic when I start bawling. I sound like a completely different person (though NOT a bit like his Mum!). I think it was his way of getting me to calm down. I was too sad to be cranky with him though...
He consoled me and I felt better after.
But I did not have the motivation to start looking again.
When the girls got home we dug out a board game. And it was lovely. I decided that this is a good way to drown your sorrows, let Ludo relieve your pain.
Tomorrow is another day. Tomorrow, I will find a job.
No comments:
Post a Comment